9 Rules for not getting caught

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Let's face it. There are a lot of stupid people out there.

And stupid people are going to do stupid things, and if they happen to be on the wrong side of the law when they are committing these stupidities, those same stupid people are going to get caught and end up in the joint long enough to see the hair on their testicoli get gray. And let me tell you, plenty of wiseguys fall into this category, not just civilians -- giving the rest of "us" the reputation of dumb cavemen with greasy hair.

But you're smarter than that, right? Of course you are. The first thing you've done is admit that you don't know jack and have decided to read my articles. You are here to learn, so I'm here to teach you.

Today's lesson is about not getting caught. I'm not going to waste my time going through the thousand and one things you shouldn't get caught doing, but I am going to reveal some basic rules that you can follow to avoid getting caught with your pants down.

How will this apply to you and your squeaky clean life? Easy. There will come a day, whether it's today or 20 years from now, when you do something wrong. It can be because you screwed over a competitor or even sabotaged a colleague's project to get ahead. And those are only corporate world examples.

We are all human and we all make mistakes or do things that aren't on the "up and up." We don't live in a fairy-tale world over here; we have to admit this. It's survival of the fittest, and if you don't learn these basic rules of street conduct, you won't survive.

So let's move along to these magical rules.

Rule No.1

Keep your mouth shut

No matter how bad you screw up, no matter how brilliant you think you are when you plan the perfect plan, no matter how much you want to share the news, keep it to yourself. I can't stress this enough.

No matter how legit or illegal your transgression, if you get away with it, count your blessings and keep your mouth shut. Opening your trap about how conniving you are won't win you any friends and will just set you up for a fall.

You tell your friends you cheated on your wife, or you tell some hooker how you have the perfect racket going on at the docks, and you just fed a stool pigeon the meal they need to save their own arse.

For the love of the Madonna , don't talk more than you should. Why make yourself a target for a shakedown from somebody looking to cash in on your mistake?

Rule No.2

Be cautious

Whether you just clipped someone, banged your girlfriend's sister, stole money from your place of work, or lied in court, you can get away with murder if you are extremely cautious. I've often said that a careless man is often a dead man.

No matter how well you plan, no matter how much you try to cover something up, you will always forget something -- I can guarantee it. So be paranoid about details, go over things, and tread carefully. Be the most cautious person in the world; this is healthy paranoia.

Plan what's going to happen, and don't leave any stains on that blue dress.

Rule No.3

Plan, plan, plan

Sometimes things happen, and you have to deal with them on the fly. Other times, we purposely plan bad things and hope they don't come back to bite us where the sun don't shine. Whatever it is you're doing, plan everything out, from the time you are unaccounted for, to the clothes you wear, to who sees you crossing the street, to things you've said, to an escape plan. Plan everything . Don't leave anything to chance. Keep your plan clean and simple because you have to store it in your head.

Rule No.4

Don't leave any evidence

You'd think this is obvious enough. It isn't. People leave all kinds of things lying around for others to find. This is all about being careless. The simple solution is to keep things as uncomplicated as you can. Use gloves, plan things in your head, use as few tools as possible, always pay cash, etc. Forget using a computer to plan things, it's a trap -- any wet wad with an Internet connection can have access to your things.

I actually had a soldier in one of my crews who saved all his profit margins from his rackets in his computer, and had a step-by-step guide on how it was organized. His excuse? In case he one day got amnesia, he wanted to remember all his sources of income. That cafone could have taken a lot of people down, including himself. Needless to say, he paid his dues.

Rule No.5

Plan on consequences

People who get away with everything and anything have one thing in common: they're visionaries, in that they see all the possible repercussions of their actions. You have no idea how important this is. The ability to predict the outcomes of different developments will help you deal with unexpected f*ckups and come up with excuses, alibis, or evidence ahead of time. This means you need to have an emergency plan and an exit strategy. Don't be an idiot and forget to have a backup plan.

Rule No.6

Limit the people in on the deal

Sometimes we have to do things that bend the rules, and sometimes these things can't be done alone and we have to bring others in on the action. That's life, you can't do anything about it. Sure, I prefer to eat alone (and so should you), but sometimes you have to share and not be so goddamn greedy so that you have something to share in the first place.

If you just whacked a two-ton buffalo, you're not going to be able to carry it yourself, you know what I mean? Bobby De Niro likes his buffalo mozzarella fresh, so you don't have all week to chop up the buffalo alone, capisce ?

If you have to bring people in on whatever racket you have going, limit the amount of people and, more importantly, limit the amount of info they know. Never reveal 100% of anything to anyone. Keep people in the dark; they won't be able to piece everything together and if they're busted, they won't be able to provide a complete picture leading to your downfall.

Don't be a dumb stronzo ; prepare to drop it all if your gut tells you to.

Rule No.7

Be ready to abandon everything

Here's an important rule that people forget. No matter how much time you've spent planning your score, courting the skank in the cubicle next to you for an affair, or operating a profitable Friday night poker get-together, if your instincts tell you that you're about to get pinched, abandon everything. Spending years rotting away in the can doesn't justify the risk. When something gets out of control, when your stomach is sending you messages, cut the anchor loose and walk away.

I can't give you a how-to guide on what to look for -- every situation is different -- but in this thing of ours, you develop a sixth sense when a deal is about to go bad. This is where your emergency plan goes into effect. You'll be glad you planned it when you were calm and in control because when crap hits the fan, the last thing you'll be able to do is come up with another plan. So have that exit strategy in place.

Rule No.8

Don't change your habits

Most people can't hide it when they've done something wrong. They wear their guilt on their faces like a big zit. I said before to be paranoid, but don't look it. Add suspicious and guilty to the list of ways not to look. Don't give away your transgressions via your body language, it's a rookie's mistake.

Don't all of a sudden change personalities or habits. The best way for you to not rouse suspicion is by maintaining your same habits. If you know your patterns are going to change as a result of something you did, plan ahead and gradually include that new pattern into your lifestyle. Use your freaking brain and imagination to picture what I'm referring to. I'm not going to tell you everything. Do I have to breastfeed you too?

Rule No.9

Remember the little things

There are plenty of small things you can do to make sure you cover your arse. Not using your credit card at inconvenient times is an obvious one (like the clown who uses his card at a motel with his mistress just to get frequent flier points).

Use pay phones at random locations; the US government's NSA branch has a giant factory the size of a football field in Kansas recording every phone call, fax and e-mail transmission the world over. They can track your conversations no matter where you are, but why should you make their lives easy and do the leg work for them? Have meetings in public places and never stay in one spot -- walk around.

Don't use your own car either; rent one. Sure, the cops can track the rental car down, but again, why make it easy for them?

Have an alibi -- the more the better. Time things so that you have as little "unaccounted" gaps of time as possible.

change your name

And, please, pretty please, with a cherry on top, never use your real name. You have no idea how many dumb stronzos use their real names for things they shouldn't. If you ask me, if you think you can't remember your own fake name, then chances are you won't remember your plan or emergency plan either. Either way, you'll get pinched, so why even try?

Watch your backs and keep your noses clean.